1 month

It has been exactly one month since I last wrote.

31 days.

And I can only half begin to explain what has happened.

As I tell you think story I know what thought will be running through your head,

"You are such a typical high school girl."

Please, just hear me out.

33 days ago is when it all started, 33 days ago in exactly 7 minutes to be exact.

I was doing OK, I was no longer worried about that boy, nor what had gone on between us.

He was going to be gone shortly and I honestly didn't care anymore.

I wasn't happy, but i was no longer sad or angry, I was just me...

I decided to treat myself to some ice cream, and that is where I met a young lad that changed everything.

I was sitting at the local frozen yogart shop, alone, reading The Secret Life of Bees

when I heard a rather quiet, and deep, voice from behind me

"Any suggestions on what I should try?"

Crazy Stuff

Here is the deal, he was there waiting for me the day after Christmas and yes, it was a romantic gesture. However, the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach was not a feeling I liked and not a feeling I knew what to do. He was in love with me, and as much as I wanted to be, I wasn't in love with him. I thought I was, but I wasn't.

So just as quickly as things fell into place, they feel apart.

I haven't spoken to, called, text or seen him in 21 days, and unfortunately I feel no regret.

A long time coming

So what was my Christmas present?

A boy, with a single rose, and an iPod, waiting for me under a rarely used stoplight.

for christmas

last night i came home to a present, not one i expected. and i have yet to decide two things; what it means and if i want it. as i strolled into the house after a rather long night (you see i'd been at a party we had been invited too, he told me to go without him... little did i know it was a party for couples, and i was alone) my parents said to stop by the formal dining room on my way to my room (funny because it is no where near my room... but i went anyways) when i arrived i found 3 neatly wrapped boxes and a gift bag.

The first and biggest box held a quilt, his mom is an amazing quilter.

The second box held 4 mix cd's and a build-a-bear.

The last box held 2 rings. A ctr ring and an engraved ring that reads, always remember.

You could say i was a bit emotional, but that would be the understatement of the century- i was a blubbering mess.

I opened the bag and found nothing but a folded up paper that read,"Our stoplight. 1:35 PM the day after Christmas. See you there."

Let's just say I am kind of freaking out.

Here comes goodbye

I am going to be totally blunt and completely honest with you, no cliches and no dramatization... the story i was telling you was true, every bit of it, but it has reached a temporary ending and i don't know if it is even worth telling the rest of it.

I told myself, over and over again that this was not me being a high school girl, that this was something different... but i am not sure it is.

You see a few months ago, he told me I was the love of his life and that someday he would put a ring on my finger and i'd be his forever and always, but some time between then and now something has changed, drastically.

Tonight we were driving around town, like we do almost every night, but he wouldn't hold my hand, he didn't sing to me, he couldn't even look at me. As he dropped me off he said this, nothing more and nothing less, "I still love you, but for now... don't plan on me calling you for awhile and don't call me" and with that he drove away.

i don't understand

for a second i am leaving the story i was telling you. I am going to let you in to my life right now, this hell i am going through. he did something wonderful, something that i am so proud of him for doing. he turned his papers in for his mission and he leaves in less then three months. it is a living hell. don't get me wrong, i know with all my heart and all my faith that he needs to go on a mission, he is going to bring so many people to God's church and the experience is one that he needs for his own testimony, i am NOT going to stop him from going, i am not going to make him feel bad about it. i put on a strong face and act like nothing is wrong, but in reality everything is wrong. i have cried myself to sleep for the last two weeks and everytime i leave after being with him; i die inside.

i don't understand how this can be part of God's plan!

i am not going to say that i planned on graduating from school, getting married to him and living happily every after. because i don't want to get married for a long time and who knows where life will take us once we leave this bubble, but why does God bring people into our lives... just to take them away? how can He let us be so happy and then take it away in the very same breath! i have been praying like never before, my scriptures have been read more in these last couple of months then ever before and i have gone to the temple searching for answers... and i have got NOTHING!

please help me!

sometimes he let's it rain

tears are not something i have ever been comfortable with. not with my family and not with my friends. now i see you crying and i just don't know what to do.

I slide into the middle seat, and take your hand. I don't say anything, and neither do you. We just drive and soon tears are falling from my eyes too. You ask what is wrong, and the only thing reason i can think of as to why i'd be crying is you are hurt and i don't know how to fix it. You laugh and tell me i am silly, but that you miss me being silly. I still don't know what is going on and it doesn't seem like you are going to bring it up, so i ask. You pull over and turn to face me. "Nothing has changed." I don't know what you are talking about, if you are talking about between the two of us then you are dead wrong, everything has changed but if you are talking about between you and her then i am lost, so i just wait. "She told me that she was done with the other guys, and i believed her. I messed up, i messed up our friendship for some dumb girl, but nothing has changed. Remember when i told you i had no feeling for her? I wasn't lying. I was just confused. Nothing has changed in the way that you are and will always be my best friend and the girl I am in love with."

[Flash forward to the present.]

You said you weren't going to kiss me that night because you wanted things to be different this time around, but how can it be any different... when she is still trying to get back with you and you are still trying to convince yourself you are in love with me?